Essay

I wrote this as a school assignment. It's a half-joke. I admit, I'm rather proud of this little piece of work...

 Sometime soon, someone will be saved from a definitely devastating death by that mighty man-made marvel, the internet. This amazingly astounding invention is indubitably one of our outstanding accomplishments achieved in this apex of human history.  Many misinformed men think that the internet is an illusion, something shamefully scummy. Actually, anybody accusing the internet is ignoring its innumerable intrinsic values. The internet is incredibly informative, hugely helpful, and amazingly accessible.

The internet is indispensable. Without it, we would wallow wearily in timeworn tomes, sadly searching for some finicky fact. Now, instead of overusing outdated octavos, we can quickly quest for questions using useful websites such as Google and Wikipedia.  Anything you ingest from the internet is incontestable, so don’t doubt decency. This timeless treasure, astoundingly accurate, helps herald hundreds of halleluiahs, primarily from poor people perusing perfection. Yet being infinitely informative is not everything the internet insures.

Communication creates countless comforts. We seek solace sacrilegiously sometimes, so solitude seems torturous. The internet incurs an influx of interesting friends, so we need never have neurosis of being neglected. Some men find matches using match.com, many marry on the internet. Facebook feels fabulous, sharing our shining, sterile souls with other perfect people. Identity is irrelevant on the internet, you can create yourself completely!  Flaws fade away into fakeness, perfection presides, and since the internet is so amazingly accessible, self-annihilation is entirely easy.

The internet enables everyone to easily encounter everything. Everything on the internet is extraordinarily easy to do, even if it’s illegal. This tugs us toward it, because we want to save our energy. Accessibility accounts for all of the awesome influx of information on the internet. Amazingly, all of us access the internet nearly daily. Computers create comfortable centers to enjoy it. Without this wonderful way of easily entering the internet, we would not wear it so often.

Though, sorrowfully, some say the internet is immoral, it’s really a beautiful benefit to our bountiful society. Its innate values are indisputable, and the numerous needs it fulfills would find no filler without the web. Whatever way you look at it, the internet is astoundingly amazingly awesome!